I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life in New York City. I love it here. I never get bored, I always have a few exciting plans and sleep, work and play here for the vast majority of days in each and every year. However something has changed inside of me. I just can't take the weather any more. It's driving me completely crazy.
By my calculations it has rained for 15 of the last 22 days. It's May. Showers are supposed to occur in April. May should be the one month when it's not too hot and the sun shines every day. I have almost forgotten what the sun looks like. Every morning I wake up hoping for blue skies but when I peer out of my apartment window it is misty, and gray with a hint of moisture and the complete opposite of bright. I used to never carry an umbrella in New York City but now it is permanently attached to some part of my body. My umbrella is now my American Express card- " I don't leave home without it."
The doorman in our building is kind and considerate enough to leave a note up informing the tenants that it is raining. Many proper soakings have managed to persuade me to overcome my fear of umbrellas and I am now of the persuasion that they are indeed quite useful accessories. The note has been up for a whole week. It just doesn't stop raining. Noah from the book of Genesis would feel at home here and ducks are starting to fly in from far away places after hearing that some of the Avenues of Manhattan are prime for swimming. When is it all going to stop? I turn on the Weather Channel and all I see are dark clouds and raindrops scattered over the display showing theremaining days of this week. Apparently we won't see the sun again until Sunday.
I grew up in a climate like this. London is notorious for grim weather and miserable people. New York City is now exactly the same. I thought I had escaped the long continuous stretches of rain that accompanied my childhood and youth. The expression that " you have brought the weather with you," takes on a whole new meaning. I really feel like EE-AW from Winnie The Pooh , walking around with a dark cloud hovering above me unloading large droplets on my face every time I look up.
I really can't take it any more. Winter was harsh this past year but it was nothing compared to the miserable Spring we are living through. Summer will naturally be a scorch fest with temperatures above 100 degrees every day for weeks at a time sapping any remaining energy I have left. If things don't start improving soon I will pack my bags and stand at my front door contemplating much friendlier climates until reality bites and I unpack realizing that I can never leave this city as I am too entrenched, in spite of its bad weather.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
POTTY TRAINING
We need to go back to basics in the bathroom. I work in an office of around 100 people on a trading floor. Seventy per cent are male. Half of those males go out binge drinking every Thursday night. We have one bathroom with two urinals and two stalls. On Friday mornings you can wait for hours to get into a stall and when you finally get in you wish you hadn’t tried.
I am determined to find out who the phantom non flusher is. Time after time I open the stall door to be met with an open toilet bowl full of very unpleasant surprises. When I find out who the culprits are I will confront them over whether they do the same thing to their wives/partners/kids in their own homes. I am convinced that those responsible are not from the younger generation. Generally speaking those born after 1980 are more health conscious and into proper hygiene. They all sit at their desks with their anti bacterial lotions and don’t even touch the bathroom door handle on exiting, choosing to grab a load of bathroom paper towels to turn the infected handle. So I am on the look out for an older gentleman who is unhygienic and walks towards the bathroom area on a Friday morning. I can’t just wait outside the stall nor peer in to see who it is in there because that invites a whole host of accusations flying my way. I will though, find the person and humiliate him to such an extent that he will never non flush or block the toilet again.
To avoid blockages at home we installed a policy of single sheet or very thin double sheet toilet paper and educated the kids how to thoroughly do whatever needs to be done post usage using the smallest amount of tissue. It has worked. The plunger basically sits upright on the floor and is used maybe once a year when my youngest son purposely blocks the toilet in order to use the plunger. He has been missing it terribly and asks about it constantly. In a corporate office there is no plunger available for immediate use so when the toilet gets blocked; the reason for the clogging sits there stewing for hours until maintenance comes to fix it. Apparently when I challenged a young crew member from the building he informed me that several plungers had been stolen on different floors. I still fail to see the demand for used plungers but I guess every house needs one and it’s not normally on a wedding list or a present you bring someone for a housewarming party.
I have taken measures into my own hands now. I no longer even attempt to use the bathroom on my office floor on a Friday. Instead I head over to the Waldorf Astoria hotel armed with a newspaper. I have my favorite stall and it is so clean you could almost eat off its floor, which of course I never would. It is so civilized there. After finishing my business an attendant runs the tap, squirts liquid soap in your hands and offers towels to dry all for a non requisite dollar bill. Until the phantom is caught in my office and brought to trial I am conducting my “business” elsewhere.
I am determined to find out who the phantom non flusher is. Time after time I open the stall door to be met with an open toilet bowl full of very unpleasant surprises. When I find out who the culprits are I will confront them over whether they do the same thing to their wives/partners/kids in their own homes. I am convinced that those responsible are not from the younger generation. Generally speaking those born after 1980 are more health conscious and into proper hygiene. They all sit at their desks with their anti bacterial lotions and don’t even touch the bathroom door handle on exiting, choosing to grab a load of bathroom paper towels to turn the infected handle. So I am on the look out for an older gentleman who is unhygienic and walks towards the bathroom area on a Friday morning. I can’t just wait outside the stall nor peer in to see who it is in there because that invites a whole host of accusations flying my way. I will though, find the person and humiliate him to such an extent that he will never non flush or block the toilet again.
To avoid blockages at home we installed a policy of single sheet or very thin double sheet toilet paper and educated the kids how to thoroughly do whatever needs to be done post usage using the smallest amount of tissue. It has worked. The plunger basically sits upright on the floor and is used maybe once a year when my youngest son purposely blocks the toilet in order to use the plunger. He has been missing it terribly and asks about it constantly. In a corporate office there is no plunger available for immediate use so when the toilet gets blocked; the reason for the clogging sits there stewing for hours until maintenance comes to fix it. Apparently when I challenged a young crew member from the building he informed me that several plungers had been stolen on different floors. I still fail to see the demand for used plungers but I guess every house needs one and it’s not normally on a wedding list or a present you bring someone for a housewarming party.
I have taken measures into my own hands now. I no longer even attempt to use the bathroom on my office floor on a Friday. Instead I head over to the Waldorf Astoria hotel armed with a newspaper. I have my favorite stall and it is so clean you could almost eat off its floor, which of course I never would. It is so civilized there. After finishing my business an attendant runs the tap, squirts liquid soap in your hands and offers towels to dry all for a non requisite dollar bill. Until the phantom is caught in my office and brought to trial I am conducting my “business” elsewhere.
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